


When You Need Me the Most (I Will Turn You)

by larryswildhearts



Category: Niall Horan (Solo), One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Solo)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bottom Niall Horan, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Hurt, Hurt Niall, Hurt Zayn, M/M, Moving On, Niall Horan Loves Zayn Malik, Niall is selfish, Nialls scared of change, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post Hiatus, Post Zayn leaving, Post-Zayn One Direction, Solo Artist Zayn, Top Zayn Malik, Zayn Malik & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Zayn Malik Loves Niall Horan, one direction - Freeform, still working in tags lol I'm new in this, ziall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2020-03-01 04:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18792901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larryswildhearts/pseuds/larryswildhearts
Summary: He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, because well, his heart hurts a little; or maybe a lot.His phone is going off and he knows who it is, but somehow the sounds not bothering him. His ears are only ringing with Zayn’s voice- the soft curl of his accent sinking into his bones.Its hard to exactly pinpoint what he’s feeling- disappointment? hurt? but he thinks it might be a bit of everything. But when is it not?And it’s not that he needs Zayn- he doesn’t- but he can’t help the overwhelming amount of weight he feels inside his chest, dragging him down into the ground as if gravity was against him.He knows its selfish but he only wants Zayn if things were the way they were before- and not in any other way.He tries to breathe, but no matter how much air he feels in his lungs, he knows it isn’t enough, until its suddenly too much.He shuts his phone and turns off his lights.---Or the one where Niall is afraid of change





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy, so this is my first ziall fic. I am obsessed with ziall and lately the ziall tag has been really dry so I'm trying my best to write my own!! It's going to be quite angsty in the beginning but I promise it will get better!! Please read,, and constructive feedback will be greatly appreciated!!

“When is One Direction coming back?” 

The question of the century. 

Niall shifts in his seat and fights back the urge to roll his eyes into the back of his head. He doesn’t want to come off the wrong way, not at all, because well- he loves the guys- but the consistent questioning of the band’s return never failed to make him feel uneasy, under appreciated even. He can feel the annoyance bubble within him, but he chooses to hide it with a smile. 

“We don’t know yet. All of the boys- me included- we’re pretty much doing our own thing, if you can’t tell.” He says, trying to keep his tone light and nonchalant although he is sure the fans will see right through him. “We’ll come back once we’re ready. We’re all just enjoying ourselves- it’ll be epic though, once (if, he thinks) we come back. Everybody will have learned different things and will contribute something different.” Despite the annoyance laced in his voice he knows he means it. He is excited, thrilled even. If the day was to ever come he knew they would blow everybody away. 

As he takes a sip of his drink, he watches the interviewer nod before hesitantly asking, “What about Zayn? Is he coming back?” 

Before he can stop himself he feels the water going down his throat come back up, making him cough. He covers his mouth quickly, hoping not to spill any water or embarrass himself any further. He can feel the interviewer’s eyes on him, laced with concern and worry, only making him feel even more embarrassed. 

“Sorry, sorry.” He coughs, covering his mouth, praying that his breathing would regulate enough. Asphyxiation is not the way he wants to die. 

The girl watches him, now more inclined. Niall knows its her job to probe him with questions, but he thought the topic of Zayn was blacklisted.

“Went down the wrong way-“ He says, letting out a chuckle before clearing his throat. ”what about Zayn?” He questions, the name itself leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He hadn’t mentioned him in ages. He knew Liam had mentioned Zayn a few times, maybe Louis- but not him. He never talked about Zayn, why would he?

The interviewer clearly pauses eyeing Niall carefully, Niall is pretty sure she isn’t dumb. She knows it’s a topic that Niall doesn’t want to talk about. Alas, she continues. “We’ve seen on twitter, many fans and update accounts are saying he’s coming back to the band?” 

“Oh, coming back?” He asks, brows furrowed in confusion before nervously laughing and scratching the back of his head. “No, no. As far as I know he isn’t coming back to one direction.”  
The rest of the interview runs smoothly. Niall regains his composure and is able to drink down the water without choking, although he does feel a bit of the burn- reminding himself of his near death experience (although some would say he was just being dramatic). 

As soon as the radio interview finishes, Niall gets in the back of his car, rubbing the temples of his eyes as he tries to relinquish the memory that would forever be embedded in his brain. He had really choked on water after being asked about Zayn, god.

Falling on a live TV broadcast, smashing his face with a basketball, and now- this, a part of him wondered what would be next in his list of embarrassing moments? 

Rethinking the entire situation made him laugh though because the cause of the entire debacle was ridiculous because Zayn- he wasn’t coming back to One Direction. If he were, the boys would tell him about it, right?

Before he knows it his hand is fishing his pocket, looking for his phone to call Louis. He needs the reassurance that Zayn truly is out of his life. He lets the phone ring, silently waiting for Louis to pick up. He chuckles once he hears another familiar voice though. 

“Hey Lotts, is Louis busy?” He quickly asks, a small smile appearing on his face. He missed the Tomlinson family and reminds himself to visit them soon. 

From the softness of her voice, it appears that she misses him too. “Hey, he’s outside with the twins, I’ll get them for you, okay?” Her voice is quickly followed by ruffling, Niall thinks its probably her trying to find Louis. He hears her voice loud, calling for Louis. 

“Hey lad, what’s up?” Louis asks, his voice sounds confused, making Niall feel slightly bad. He really should be calling Louis more often. 

“I was just- I had an interview before and the funniest thing was asked.” Niall laughs in an attempt to make it more casual, although he can feel himself fail as soon as he cringes. “They asked me if Zayn was coming back- to- you know the band.” He mumbles the last part out, realising how dumb he probably sounded. He would know if Zayn was coming back to the band-

“I don’t know, I don’t know Ni,” Louis mumbles; it comes out loud and clear though, and Niall feels like he’s about to puke. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me Louis, you can’t be serious.” Niall knows he sounds more upset than he wants to but he’s too shocked and angry to really care. “Have management said anything to you?” Why haven’t they said anything to me? He thinks.

“They’ve mentioned it briefly, Zayn actually asked about it first.” 

Niall’s brows raise slightly and now he really does want to laugh. “What? Excuse me? I feel like I’ve heard you wrong. He asked you? He didn’t ask me?” He can hear the hurt in his voice, cringing at how loud and obvious it was. Dawning down on him though, he realised, why would Zayn even ask him?

“Why don’t you just call him Ni? Ask him yourself? Liam and Harry talked to him the other day. It won’t hurt him to hear from you.” Hurt him? What about me? Niall thinks, but by the sounds of Louis’ voice, he probably things the same as well.

Niall doesn’t answer for a while, lets his breathing be the only thing going through the line. He is grateful that Louis knows not to push. After a few seconds regaining his thoughts Niall finally decides to speak, “Fine. Just- send me his number.” He says as his hand roughly runs through his own hair.

He can practically hear Louis’ face light up which cues the roll of his own eyes. “Yeah, thanks Lou.” He mumbles, quickly changing the topic and asking about Ernest and Doris. They call for a while more, Niall only cutting the call short once the car pulls up into his driveway. He says goodbye to Louis before hanging up and thanking the driver as he gets out of the car. 

He unlocks the door to his house and steps in, his steps being the only thing breaking through the silence of his house. He decides to drag his feet to the fridge, wanting the silence to consume him for a bit. 

He opens it and looks over its contents and non surprisingly finds it empty. I should order groceries soon, he thinks. 

Soon enough though he is calling his regular pizza place and orders a large pepperoni pizza with mushrooms before thanking the staff and hanging up. Just as he hangs up he sees a text coming through along with contact details.

“Zayn Malik” He muttered as he saved the number to his contacts, eyeing over the name hesitantly. He didn’t even know where Zayn was. London? Bradford? Or was he fucking off somewhere else? Its hard to imagine someone he knew all about, living a new life in which he knew literally nothing about. He stared at the empty chat room for a good while, phone above his face as he finally pushed himself to type. 

‘Hello Zayn. It’s Niall.’ He stares at it for a few seconds before hitting the backspace. It’s too formal.

‘Heyyy Z, it’s Niall’ He tries again, cringing as soon as he reread it. 

‘Hey Z, it’s Niall’ He ends up sending, ‘Can we talk?’ He follows up quickly after, he is thinking about what he’s about to type next, but before he can even type a word down Zayn’s name is already flashing on the screen.  
“Hey Ni, haven’t heard from you in a while,” And his voice is loud- loud and clear- its so different from what he remembered- but it somehow sounded the same- it was like a piece of home. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” He mumbles, the guilt sinking in. “Sorry- I’ve just been really busy,” he says despite both of them being well aware as to why they hadn’t been able to talk. 

“I heard you wanted to come back?” He asks, trying not wince when he realised how hopeful it sounded. 

“Come back?” Zayn retorts, confused, which causes Niall to be slightly taken aback. 

“I thought you- thought you talked to modest about it- and Louis told me you talked to them about it and-“

“I called modest about it because they apparently sent a contract for after the hiatus. I didn’t want it- and I told the boys I didn’t want to either, I tried calling you too- listen Ni- I think Lou just wanted us to talk- We really need to talk-” And that’s all it takes for Niall to hang up. 

He clenches his jaw and turns off the call, his eyes beginning to water, because of course- Zayn doesn’t want to come back. 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, because well, his heart hurts a little; or maybe a lot.

His phone is going off and he knows who it is, but somehow the sounds not bothering him. His ears are only ringing with Zayn’s voice- the soft curl of his accent sinking into his bones.

Its hard to exactly pinpoint what he’s feeling- disappointment? hurt? but he thinks it might be a bit of everything. But when is it not? 

And it’s not that he needs Zayn- he doesn’t- but he can’t help the overwhelming amount of weight he feels inside his chest, dragging him down into the ground as if gravity was against him. 

He knows its selfish but he only wants Zayn if things were the way they were before- and not in any other way. 

He tries to breathe, but no matter how much air he feels in his lungs, he knows it isn’t enough, until its suddenly too much. 

He shuts his phone and turns off his lights.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite Niall's past with Zayn haunting him, Niall still ignores Zayn's calls (or so he thinks).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! omg so I am back I am so so sorry it took me so long to update, idk where my mind was at but 0% of me wanted to write, and literally all of the sudden I've been wanting to write again and had the desire to update this. i wrote this in the middle of the night (at like 1am) so, sorry if there are any mistakes, as always no one beta'd it. so pls tell me what u think in the comments! constructive criticism is appreciated, just don't be rude pls <3.

Eight days. Eight days and more than just a few missed calls later, Niall still manages to leave Zayn unanswered.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t feel guilty when Zayn’s name flashes on the screen, because well- he really does. But the anxiousness threatening to suffocate him at even the idea of talking to Zayn always managed to overcome the guilt. He’s tried to answer, done it several times- but when he hears Zayn’s soft breath of relief at the sound of him picking up, he hangs up before the lad can even have a chance to speak.

 

It had become sort of a system actually: Zayn would call once every night- and maybe- just maybe would send a text in the morning as well.

 

It was usually quite easy to ignore. Niall would wake up, delete the text and simply go on with his day. But today was different- completely different. He had woken up in a cold sweat, tattoos and hazel eyes printed into his eyelids. He knew what he was going for as soon as he opened his eyes- making him stop himself from checking his phone as soon as he touched it.

 

The screen still locked, he set the phone down, letting out a small breath as he tried to calm himself down. A part of him was truly upset. Sleeping was the only space in his life in which he wasn’t thinking about Zayn- but apparently his dreams thought otherwise.

 

Regaining composure he took his phone again and unlocked it, opening his messages and going through a few. He felt his heart stutter when he saw Zayn’s name but he refrained himself from opening that one, simply deciding to reply to the others’ too. His lip twitched slightly to a frown after seeing Louis’ text, opening the chat and deciding to reply,

 

‘im not gonna ignore him forever’ he typed sighing softly, ‘and I told you, I don’t want to talk about what happened’ he sent before going and opening Zayn’s text.

 

‘I honestly have no idea if you’re even bothering to read these, but please answer my phone, or at least text me back… Even the other boys have said that you disappeared a bit. This isn’t normal for you. Last time you did this was when Greg and Denise separated, please just talk to me, or them, anyone?” _I’m worried about you_ Niall somehow read. Five years being with somebody really did teach you a lot about a person. He could always guess what Zayn said. He could also guess what he didn’t.

 

He stared at his keyboard, trying to figure out what he could type out and send Zayn. He could feel his nervousness increasing, becoming slightly agitated as his stomach turned as he tried to type out an answer. He got through a few words before quickly deleting it- along with the text from Zayn. He let out a deep sigh rubbing his temples.

 

“Tomorrow,” he mumbled to himself, pushing himself up with his palms to help himself up.

 

———

 

_“Niall?” He remembers the small nudge on his side, making him stir in the hotel bed. He shifts a few times, trying to ignore who ever was trying to interrupt his sleep before feeling another poke, “Niall,” The voice insists, convincing the blonde lad to shift and finally open his eyes. He squints._

_  
Zayn’s standing by his bed. He’s shirtless, hair a mess, and despite the dim light barely coming in through the window from the city lights, he can see the faint bags under Zayn’s eyes. Despite how disheveled he looks Niall still wants to kiss him._

 

_“What do you need Zee?” Niall asks instead, trying his best to rub the sleep out of his eyes._

 

_“I just wanted to talk- I’ve been thinking,” He mumbles sitting on the edge of the bed, gently resting his hand on Niall’s side and running his fingers gently over his bare skin, where his shirt managed to ride up. “do you mind scooting?” He whispers, and Niall can’t resist._

 

_The bed dips and Zayn’s laying next to him on his side, both of them facing each other, bodies inches apart. “So?” Niall asks, he can almost feel Zayn’s breath on his face._

 

_“What if I were to leave the band?” Zayn asks, voice suddenly hush, as if the room wasn’t empty and it was the two of them there._

 

_“…leave the band?” Niall echoes, slightly in disbelief. “Zayn- we’re gonna have one more tour- and then we’ll be taking a hiatus and we’ll do whatever we want before we come back.” Niall says, suddenly feeling awake._

 

_He’s struggling to see Zayn’s face in the dark but still manages the catch how Zayn’s lips twitch to a sad smile. “That’s the thing Ni,” he’s whispering again, and Niall can feel his anxiety crawling up his bones. “I don’t want to come back.”_

 

_Niall stares at him blankly, lips tightly sealed as he looks him over. He wants to ask questions- wants an explanation- but somehow his mind doesn’t work- his mouth doesn’t work. He opens his lips to speak, to scream even but all that comes out is an “okay.” It’s short, rude and he can see the nervousness in Zayn’s eyes and he feels like a traitor. He knew Zayn had come for comfort but at this point he couldn’t give it to him._

 

_They stare at each other for a few seconds before Zayn shifts to get up but Niall grabs his wrist. “Can you- sleep here?” Niall whispered quietly, not meeting Zayn’s gaze. They hadn’t cuddled in ages- in fact stopped a few months after Zayn and Perrie had gotten together which is why he doesn’t expect Zayn’s answer._

 

_“Of course Ni, yeah, of course,” The bed dips once more and he feels Zayn’s arms around him, pulling him close to his chest. His lips begin to tremble as presses close into Zayn, breathing in his distinct smell._

 

_“I don’t want you to leave,” Niall mumbles, the cracking in his voice giving away his current state. The grip on him becomes tighter and he feels Zayn tuck his head under his chin. His eyes begin to burn and he presses his face_

_against Zayn’s neck._

 

_“I know Ni, I know.” Zayn whispers and Niall can hear the guilt in Zayn’s voice, it was practically dripping of it. “But I want to be happy,” He whispers and Niall holds onto Zayn tighter and nods. Because- he gets it. He could see past Zayn’s smiles, could hear through his laughs. He could tell Zayn was happy with them, but just cause he was happy with them doesn’t mean he wasn’t as well sad._

 

_Because despite being able to see his highs, he could also see his lows. His teary eyes every time he called home, the small sniffles that would come out of his side of the tourbus when he thought everybody was asleep. The worst though was the frustration in his face when his songs- ideas- were put down countless of times. “It’s too edgy”, “it’s too sexual”, “it wouldn’t sell to your demographic”, they would say. He remembers Zayn arguing back, “How is it too much, huh? It’s literally me” He’d say frustrated._

 

_“I love you,” Niall mumbles pressing closer into Zayn and he can feel the raven haired lad tense a bit before relaxing, running his fingers through Niall’s hair and massaging his scalp._

 

_“I know,” He answers and Niall shakes his head in response._

 

_“No you don’t” He sniffles pulling away, looking at Zayn’s eyes. He pauses. He can see the reflection of the lights coming from the window in his eyes and a part in his brain clicks. Because, Zayn knows. And his world spins a little, but Zayn’s holding him enough to stay grounded, He’s keeping him steady._

 

_“I’ve always known Ni,” Zayn whispers, moving closer as he gently moves the strand of hair that was sticking to Niall’s forehead. Niall sniffles and slowly nods, feels his cheeks heat up, and suddenly feels grateful at the lack of light in the room._

 

_He wants to say something, anything, but before he can Zayn comes closer, closing the space between them. Niall can’t think- the only thing he can do is slowly move his lips against Zayn’s gently parting them when Zayn pushes his tongue against his bottom lip._

 

_They pull away a minute or two later (Niall leans closer as Zayn pulls away, before snapping out of it and leaning back as well, feeling himself blush)._

_“Needy,” Zayn teases, voice gentle, careful, because he can feel Niall’s heart racing from his hand on his chest. They’re both a bit breathless, and Niall can’t believe what had just happened, can still taste the listerine Zayn uses after brushing his teeth._

 

_“Breathe love,” Zayn says softly and Niall nods, closes his eyes when Zayn presses a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Let’s sleep yeah, we’ll talk about this tomorrow.” Zayn whispers before Niall nods, he tucks his chin over Niall’s head once more and pulls the blonde lad closer before they both fall asleep._

 

———

 

Tomorrow comes sooner than expected, and he finds himself staring once more at his phone. The lights are threatening to break the curtains, shining strings onto his duvet. He’s still laying on his bed, curled up with his phone in his hands. Harry’s always told him to not get on his phone the first 30 minutes after he wakes up- but he never had the self restraint like he had.

 

He had declined Zayn’s call the night before without missing a beat. His memory of the night they kissed clouding his thoughts. They never talked about it. He figured declining the call would provide him the space he needed, but declining it seemed to do more harm than good. Once more, his dreams had not let him rest peacefully for the night.

 

He was a bit more than disappointed in the morning though to find no text from the Bradford lad. He would’ve messaged him back, he thinks, although deep down he knows he wouldn’t have. He lets out a shaky sigh and simply gets up. Its half past noon already. He had had a long day yesterday, going out to golf with some pals and ending the night with some pints and maybe a messy make out session with a bird with dark hair and brown eyes that weren’t quite right enough to take home.

 

He goes to the kitchen and heads to the sink after grabbing a random mug. He hopes the water can help extinguish the fire that’s ignited in his head, relentless as soon as he got off the bed. He rubs his temples and sighs. He really shouldn’t get shit faced on beer, can feel his stomach bloating already.

 

After eating what was practically lunch, since it was too late to count it as dinner the buzzer at Niall’s gate goes off. He looks at his phone, confused as to who it could be. He assumes it Deo, one of the only people who would come over without a warning (but the more he thinks about it, almost everybody comes without a warning, really). He opens it anyways without taking a look at the monitor. He heads to the door and opens it, winces at the light. He looks like a mess but he doesn’t really care.

 

Shielding his eyes with his hand against his brows he looks towards his gate seeing a figure come closer. He blinks a few times, curses because he hadn’t grabbed his glasses and the figure just looked like a smudge. He can tell they’re waving but he needs a couple steps closer to recognise his face.

 

He freezes once the person comes closer, close enough for Niall to make out their distinct features. He really wished he had at least washed his face, woken up a bit. He looks like absolute trash. The hand around his throat is back as needles begin to prickle at his lungs.

 

“Hey- I’m sorry for coming over unannounced. I was worried after last night.” Niall blinks at him, he can’t remember much what happened last night- his memory stopped after he had puked right in front of the bar. It was three in the morning, he thinks. He simply nods.

 

“You took a while to open the gate before, thought you weren’t gonna let me in there for a second” he chuckles. Niall can tell he’s trying but he simply just nods again. “We need to talk,” And his voice sounds gentle, careful, but gentle.

 

Niall nods, feels the hand clamping his throat become tighter, not letting him speak. He simply moves to the side and lets Zayn step in before following him inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again tysm for reading!! if u like it pls lmk, hopefully I'll be updating within a week or two and I'll finish this !!! once again don't forget to send constructive criticism its greatly appreciated <3 x.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> niall and zayn finally have their needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! so sorry for the delayed update but i promise I'll post the next one soon ! (already halfway written so probably within this week) enjoy!

Niall’s silent as he watches Zayn make himself comfortable on his couch. Something’s heavy in his chest as he watches him make himself at home. He gives Zayn a smile when they lock eyes as they sit in front of each other. They were both clearly aware of the tension in the room, Niall mainly unsure of how it was possible to feel like he was both sitting too close yet too far from Zayn. He could still feel the same warmth radiating from Zayn, inviting him to just get closer. 

“It’s a nice place,” Zayn hums out, looking around Niall’s living room and Niall suddenly remembers how Zayn hasn’t been in his life for the past two years. He folds his hands under himself, chewing his bottom lip nervously. The slow odd burn on his chest reminding him how despite all those years together, looking at Zayn right across him, was a strong pang of awareness that he didn’t know him at all.

Niall can see Zayn’s eyes scanning over the pictures on his walls, the frames his mum had excitedly put up in aims to make Niall’s house feel a little more like a home. The first few months Niall had moved back he was lost, and everything had hit him all at once. The odd empty void he always felt in his chest was no longer replaced by screaming fans, late night talks with the boys, or just the busy schedule that hadn’t let him think too much. In exchange, after the tour ended, the void just grew bigger, and he seemed to match his emptiness along with his house. 

Backpacking was both the relief and distraction that he needed and by the time he was able to step foot back into the house Maura was there with a wide smile and Theo in her arms. A small reality check that he needed, and then he started to make music again. 

He was writing everything down, picking up his guitar with a different perspective on music. He was no longer writing for others but for himself. It was- reinvigorating, really. His own eyes scanned over the guitar, thinking. Zayn wasn’t the only one who changed, he had too. And maybe that was okay. A part of him wanted to laugh- less than five minutes of Zayn’s simple presence was already clearing his mind.

“I’m sorry,” He says it carefully, trying his best to maintain a calm demeanour. He wasn’t willing to show Zayn how much he still affected him. 

“For what?” Zayn asks, and the genuineness in his voice makes Niall’s heart ache. The words float around the air before he feels the guilt settle to the bottom of his stomach. 

“I shouldn’t have ignored you the way I did- after you left.” He breathes out. The courage finally settles within him to properly look at Zayn’s face, studying his features closely.

“I can’t say I didn’t expect it though,” The raven haired lad answers, eyes locking with Niall’s. “Ever since the night I told you, you began to distance yourself more,” His tone makes Niall shift, uncomfortable at how unreadable it was.

Niall clenches his jaw as the guilt is replaced by small specks of bitterness. He doesn’t want to bring it up, never really did- he was horrible at confrontation. He believed that if he could get over it then it wasn’t worth bringing it up. The thing was that even after years, he still wasn’t over it. “You left the next morning before I woke up Zayn. I was more mad at that than at you wanting to leave.” By the way Zayn was looking at him Niall can tell he doesn’t believe him. 

“You kissed me- after saying that you knew that I loved you.” Niall told Zayn, unable to let the pain not drip from his tone. He swallows hard as he makes sure his voice doesn’t shake. Zayn’s expression of surprise only riles him up even more. “You really can’t be serious.” He says, “You couldn’t have thought that wouldn’t have hurt me.”

“I thought it was the best for you if we didn’t talk about it,” Zayn says and Niall looks at him, scans his face. He’s unsure as to how genuine Zayn is being and it scares him. “It would have been harder for you if we had talked about it.”

“First of all- no it wouldn’t have been. And second of all, it isn’t for you to decide what was easier or harder for me.” Niall defends, running his hand through his hair. “I just needed the closure Zayn. I wasn’t in love with you-“ he regrets saying it instantly, because he knew it was a blatant lie, but he found the will to continue anyways, “but I was hung up on you for so long- and you kissed me- first.” Niall mumbles.

Zayn sighs and looks at the floor guiltily and it makes Niall’s stomach dip. “What?” Niall asks, because Zayn is definitely hiding something from him. He’s surprised at how he had kept himself composed- especially with the pounding in his head still present. Or maybe he was just too tired to make a scene [or an even worse one]. 

“We made out.” Zayn states, making Niall’s brows bunch in confusion. 

“Yes… that’s exactly the problem,” Niall answers back clearly more frustrated, had he not gotten through Zayn at all?

“No- I mean yes- but we made out before that too.” Zayn said quietly, looking more guilty than ever. Niall stares at Zayn, confusion washing over his face. He tries to think back, any time in which he and Zayn could have possibly done something- anything, but he doesn’t remember a single thing. 

He was always too scared to make the first move, unsure if it were to ruin the band or not. Also, when Zayn got together with Perrie it was clear Zayn was off limits. Niall wouldn’t have done that to Perrie, she was always nice and genuine, and he wouldn’t have done that to Zayn either. He wasn’t dumb, he knew there was tension between them- but despite that Zayn was happy and Niall was willing to take the bullet.

This was why, what Zayn said took Niall further off guard. “We kissed before that.” Niall looked at Zayn, biting his bottom lip harshly. “I- when?” Niall asked, letting out a sigh as he ran his hand through his hair. 

“On your 18th birthday,” Zayn mumbled, looking into Niall’s eyes. “Before you um- blacked out.” Zayn continued. Niall could feel his cheeks heat up, the redness soon spreading to the top of his ears. During these times he hated being pale- he really couldn’t hide his embarrassment. 

“How and why though? And why did you never tell me?” He’s trying to understand Zayn before he lets his emotions take over, he can feel a bit of frustration building up. He swallows it down though, giving Zayn time to gather his thoughts and hopefully come up with a legitimate excuse that wouldn’t make Niall want to pull his hair out. 

“I genuinely thought you remembered- you told me the next day that everything was a mistake and that you were embarrassed.” Zayn said, and even now, years later, Niall can see the hurt in Zayn’s face. He sighs deeply. He had blacked out that night- barely remembering half of it. He remembered entering the club with all the other boys [except Harry, sadly], and some mates who had come by to London to celebrate with him. Then, the night became kind of blurry. All he remembers is puking in the taxi after leaving the club and going to the hospital to get checked for alcohol poisoning [and to everyone’s genuine surprise all he left with was a look of judgement from the doctor but luckily no pumping]. The next morning he had woken up in Zayn’s bedroom, with a pounding in his head that only made him run to the bathroom. 

“I was embarrassed for making you take me all the way to the hospital just for the doctor to tell me to go home.” Niall mumbled, rubbing his temples. “I don’t remember us kissing.” He said truthfully looking at Zayn. 

“I realised that like a year later- it was a bit too late to bring it up. And I was- with Perrie already.” Niall looked over at Zayn and sighed shakily before rubbing his eyes. He got up and went to the kitchen. 

“Do you want coffee, tea, water?” He asked as he grabbed two mugs from the cupboard. He knew Zayn was going to ask for tea. He put the water into the kettle before turning it on, leaning his bum on the counter as he looked at Zayn still sitting, looking at him. 

“Why did we kiss?” Niall asked, the words sounding weird on his tongue. Sometimes he even thought that that one night didn’t actually happen- and now thinking that it had happened more than once was something bizarre. 

“The first time we kissed,” And Niall raises his brow, because 'the first time' meant there was second. “We were just dancing, and someone pushed you and you came a bit too close and- yeah.” Zayn says, “I couldn’t help myself and you kissed back.” Niall looked away from Zayn, turning around as his cheeks burned even redder. He pours the water into the two mugs since the kettle goes off. Carefully he picks up the mugs and carries them back to the living room. 

“I’m assuming there’s a second?” Niall questions, handing the mug to Zayn before sitting close to him, because fuck it. He folds his leg and sits over it, facing Zayn as he blows into the mug to disperse the steam. 

“After two or three more shots you dragged me to the side of the club and- we um- just continued there- for a while.” Zayn says and looks over Niall’s expression. “Did the others just not see us?” Niall asked, confused and Zayn simply shook his head. Niall sighed. 

“So- why- why are you here to tell me all of this Zayn?” Niall asks. He feels frustrated- he felt like he had finally gotten over Zayn almost a year ago. And now he was back here, not only rehashing everything but adding more. 

“I broke up with Gigi.” Zayn says hesitantly. “Because I can’t be with somebody I don’t truly love.” Zayn mumbles, “and I think that’s what went wrong with Perrie too.” Niall stares at Zayn blankly, a part of him thinking Zayn was taking a kick out of him, but he knows he isn’t. He looks over his own hands, the tea bag gently floating in the cup. “I’m not saying to get into something right away- but if you still feel the same way- maybe we could try working something out,” Niall can feel his eyes on him, which is why he’s too scared of looking up.

“I think you should go Zayn.” Niall mumbles, still avoiding eye contact. He can’t do this. It took him so long to get Zayn out of his mind- and it wasn’t fair for Zayn to just waltz back in- demand for everything to just work itself out. 

“Niall, I haven’t seen you in ages. We needed to talk about all of this- I know you feel it too-” Niall laughs and rolls his eyes, looks up at Zayn and looks him in the eye.

“This- this isn’t fair Zayn. You knew all of that shit happened- and you just let me act like a fool for years- let alone that fucking night when you just showed up in my hotel room- this isn’t fair.” He’s mad- but he's more than mad, he’s hurt hurt too. “I’m not something you can just come to and leave whenever you want. It’s not like that- I’m not like that. I have feelings too, you know.” He exhales and feels himself tear up. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to stop himself from actually crying. His head hurts and everything is overwhelming- but before he knows it Zayn’s taking the tea from his hand and suddenly wrapping his arms around him. 

Niall doesn’t want to lean in but he can’t help it. He moves closer and buries his face into Zayn’s neck. He takes a deep breath and it makes him dizzy. He still smelled like he always did. “I’m sorry Ni, I really am. If I could take it back and do it any other way I would have.” Zayn said and what makes it worse is that Niall believes him. Niall can feel Zayn pull away and now they’re face to face, Zayn’s hands on Niall’s face. He gently wipes his cheeks and Niall leans into his touch, eyes dropping to Zayn's lips before licking his own. Zayn takes it as an invitation to connect their lips, so he leans in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for making it through!! pls leave a comment + kudos would appreciate the feedback a lot + I am thinking of writing short ziall drabbles based on songs [yes I am trying my best to revive this tag] tell me your thoughts?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey once again!! Sooo, I'm going to try really hard to work on this. I suddenly have started to feel motivated to write again. Please leave a comment or kudos if you are interested in me to continue??? It would genuinely motivate me a lot!
> 
> And if you have any ideas try dropping them in and who knows I implement them hehe!!
> 
> All the love <3
> 
> \- A


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